And then...

Two important things to note.

One. It's thundering! It's thundering! It doesn't thunder in Los Angeles! It makes me feel like it's late August in New Mexico and soon there will be a beautiful downpour. I'm so excited because I almost believe it will happen. I can almost smell the rain from my desk.

Two. You never want to hear this out loud when you're the only one in the room. "You're talking to yourself. Stop talking to yourself." :p Ha!

Too Much Information

I've been doing some research online for some medical stuff. Nothing too serious, no one I know has a life threatening illness - at least they didn't before I started reading. Good Lord! It is very cool that you can get access to all kinds of information to various medical problems. Power to the people! I've heard a lot of talk lately too about how this will be the next revolution in the US. That as people get more and more access to medical information, they want more. They want more options, they become more informed, the demand different care. And, eventually, insurance companies or the government will have to bend to this will. I'm sure it'll take awhile, but the baby boomers might change the world still. They may change the insurance world as we know it, as the grow older, more infirmed and yet more tech savvy. I hope so.

Anyway, in looking up information about a possible allergic reaction, I end up finding all kinds of scary diseases. And then I follow that link and the next and the next and pretty soon myself, and everyone you know, is on their death bed. I'm going to lock myself in a bubble now. It was nice knowing you.

Odds & Ends

I am so out of practice. I don't even know what to write. So I'll babble for a minute and hopefully I'll get back into it.

I failed to mention one of the weirdest things my dog does. Watson that is. Sometimes he'll save some of his food to eat later. That's not that strange. If he's not hungry he shouldn't eat. But what's funny is that he leaves half of his food for later. Exactly half in the bowl. Like a half moon amount, with a straight line in the middle with food on one side and no food on the other. That is weird.

Someone asked me how the song went this week that I wrote about the other day. I didn't end up singing it this week. Ha! I ended up singing another song in a different section of the service instead. (Our choir director mixes it up all the time with us.) So, hubris fall averted for one more week.

My friend at www.HomelessInAmerica.BlogSpot.com posted an interesting article called God Revealed in 500 Strangers by Sara Miles. I liked it a lot. She talks about how she's been feeding everyone, including people she might not rather associate with, through her food pantry at church. She says that it's how she emulates Jesus' life by inviting everyone to his table. It's a really cool story. I would have a really hard time doing that. Yes, yes, I know. If it were easy, then everyone would do it. He asks you to do hard things, right, right. I'm just saying. She said she served thieves, child abusers & gangsters, among others. I'm so judgmental. It would run through my head that maybe those people don't deserve it. Which, I understand, is the point. God doesn't believe anyone is undeserving. And he forgives me with all of my faults so I should forgive them. But it would be really, really hard. Which makes her all the more awesome.

Conspiracy Week Revived

It is not a coincidence. This week the Vatican says it's okay to believe in Aliens. Thank goodness because otherwise I was in a whole lotta trouble. http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSL146364620080514 Basically they're saying why couldn't God create life on other planets, he is God, right? Cool. I'm down with that. But that was only the first 'revelation' this week.

Now the British Government has said that they will release all of it's UFO related documents from 1978-2002. http://ufos.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ This includes mostly sightings that have been recorded.

Two hits on aliens in one week. What does it all mean? It think it's just part of the plan to prepare us for the eventual alien visitation on 2012. You think our governments don't already know for sure that all of this stuff is real? They know. And they know that there is nothing they can do to stop it. So by leaking it little by little, we won't be completely shocked when they knock on our door.

Thank You, Thank you Very Much

Yes. I've been slacking a lot on my blog. It makes me feel awful. I'm sorry. If only the man weren't trying to keep me down by giving me actual work at my job! What do they expect from me? I might have to quit if this keeps up. I'm only half kidding.

I've had trouble deciding what to write. Here's something I've wanted to talk about for a week now but don't have that much to say, just:

Ironman rocks! Go see it ten times!

Phew. Got that out of me finally.

So this weekend I got a compliment and I don't think I handled it well. I rarely do.

I often sing this one part at mass and most of the time it goes okay. I hedge that partially because I've blown the words before (Yes, I have messed up this part before. I've sung it tons of times but if I don't have the words right in front of me a lose my place.) and partially because I'm superstitious. (Ha! There's a funny tangent. Of course I'm superstitious because I believe in God. I mean really, isn't belief in God technically superstition. There is no physical proof, only faith, and God is supernatural...anyway, not my point.)

But I think I'm asked to sing it because I do a fairly good job of it. And someone complimented me on how I did recently. They were touched and cried when they heard it and teared up as they told me again. And I, babbled on like an idiot. I did start out with a 'Thank you.' I at least got that part right. But I can't just leave it at that. I want to acknowledge that how they are being effected by the performance. I want to convey that I'm grateful that they not only were so effected but that they're willing to share that with me. And I somehow want to explain to them that it's not me anyway while not negating everything that they're telling me.

I launch into a fumbling explanation of how, gosh, I start to fumble again even trying to write it here. It's not me! It's not me. I've messed up so many times in mass and I would get so upset about it. I felt I was ruining people's experience because I sang the wrong words or came in at the wrong time. I've been praying and praying to give myself over and let God take care of it and trust that he and the Holy Spirit will put the right words in my mouth and the right notes for the right length at the right time. I pray that I will be able to convey the meaning of the words I'm singing. That somehow the way I sing them will make the words even more alive and help them to reach people and resonate with them and deepen their relationship with God. I pray that I can let my mind get out of the way and not be nervous and just BE these words. Just be them completely and let those words live on their own without me.

And now that I think I've gotten a little better at standing back and letting that happen, it starts to go better, the performance of the songs go better. I'm becoming comfortable enough that I'm in the moment before and as it happens. It's a weird space that I'm rarely in, this weird time shift where everything slows down and I'm in it and aware of everything. And right in that moment I've run to the edge of huge mountain and almost run right over. A part of my pride starts to sneak up. I start to think, in the moment, 'this is going alright. This is okay.' And then I have to spin my arms in forward circles to balance myself and keep from falling over the edge. And I start to pray really fast in that moment that I stay in the words. I pray fast little apologies to God for feeling myself over the words and hope, hope, hope that my hubris won't cause me to mess up. That I won't be punished for losing him in me. (as I have done before, pride before the fall often in the cases where I mess up)

So the only reason that I can say that I performed it well at all is because I'm somehow not doing it, not in control of it. Because somewhere I'm giving up. So how do I tell all of this to someone. How do I explain it's not me when they are complimenting me. I'd be a jerk to say, yeah, thanks but I don't deserve it -it's almost like telling them that what they said didn't matter. And to go into this rambling explanation every time would be weird too. So I babbled for awhile and I'm sure I didn't make any sense but hopefully I said thank you enough times.

I'm so going to blow it next week. For putting all of this on paper. I'm so going to blow it.

Conspiracy Week Continues...

First a random thought. I feel like jump roping today. Weird. Especially since I haven't in years. I think I will when I get home tonight. I do own a jump rope. And really, like I can't take 30 seconds out of my day to jump rope. Because I know full well that after jump roping for 30 seconds, I'll be completely out of breath and tired of it. Don't fight it then, man.

Now for the conspiracy.

They kicked off Carly instead of Brooke? Surprising but it only confirms my conspiracy that the voting is rigged, at least being rigged at the moment.

Oh, believe me, I am happy that American Idol fixed it's huge mistake of letting Carly, Michael Johns and Kristi Lee Cook compete in the first place. All three had signed record deals with labels in years prior to this competition but, in my book, that takes you out of amateur status. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/WinterConcert/story?id=4315159

So, finally, those three have been kicked off. Notice they've been kicked off in a row, all three one after another. I think Idol left them in there to make the show look more competitive. In past years, much of the pickin's have been slim. This way the show looks like it's attracting huge, undiscovered talent. Sorry that talent was discovered once before. Now Idol wants to make sure that none of them place too high.

The second argument (after the coincidence of the three former label contests being booted in consecutive weeks) is that Brooke so should have gone! She started an stopped in her performance. You never, never, never do that.

I found it funny that, for a change, Paula was harsh and unflinching on this point and Simon wasn't. She also said that you never, never, never start, stop and start. Here's the difference. She's a performer; Simon and Randy aren't. She has put in the hours on the road and on stages around the world. Performers know, you never do that. For once, her expertise shone through. It was nice to see.

Am I throwing stones from my glass house? You bet. Have I ever stopped and started? Yep. And I feel like the biggest loser in the world when I do. Because, in that moment, I am the biggest loser in the world. Just because you should never do it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It just should have a consequence when you're on a competition show like American Idol.

We Are Not Alone

So, you may have noticed the lack of posts lately. The thing is, I've been writing blogs still. I just stop when it comes to posting them. Monday started out as mad, hysterical writings and just got worse. Tuesday, the case can be made that it was again, crazy talk. On each day the blogs got longer and longer and, as I searched out websites to support my ravings, I got really distracted. And, I wasn't quite sure I wanted to declare myself crazy just yet. Well not completely two days in a row. So, I'm going to condense them and post them.

Continuing the saga of Conspiracy Week, how about them lights in Phoenix? In March of 1997, mysterious, unexplained lights were seen hovering over Phoenix. The lights were reported in Arizona, Nevada and Mexico. Now, two days ago, mysterious lights are sited once again over Phoenix! http://www.abc15.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=ccaef901-51a0-4b49-8df2-6d42dcbf7da7
http://www.myfoxla.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=8110B967E3A31AA3C69C3F1A1C9AB0F9?contentId=6366197&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

I'm sure you can guess by now that I have no problem believing in aliens. I don't believe we're so cool as to be the only sentient creatures in the universe. I'm also cool with believing that God himself made them. Why not? I'm made in God's image but how can I conceive what that means. My human brain says, oh, he looks like me, but could it mean that my spirit is made in his image? Something I can't see? Something that a green skinned alien could also have but not be seen. But I digress.

Someone posited yesterday, if they really exist, why doesn't the government know about it? Uhhh, they already do, silly. And now we've busted them too. We see you. We know you're coming. Possibly on December 21, 2012. I'll put a kettle on and make a pie for you.

Happy Earth Day!

Happy Earth Day! Did you do your Earth Day duty and save a whale today? Or at least recycle a can? This seems to be a good day to make some enemies.

I'm into environmentalism and conservation and organic living, etc. When I started this post I had paragraphs of things I do to save the earth in my little way but I've realized that no matter what I write, it's not enough anyway. And, I shouldn't have to PROVE that this is important to me. I know it is and that's that. So there. If you think I'm a fraud, cool. Then you do.

So here's the point of this blog. After being aware and motivated to help our earth for years, I still can't swallow global warming. Strike that. I believe in global warming. I don't believe humans are doing it. The climate fluctuates. Don't believe it? Ask a mastodon. Oh yeah, you can't because he drove his SUV too much and started an ice age! There's really no consensus amongst scientists that humans are really having an impact on the climate change. The media just makes it seem like there is.

I'm not saying we shouldn't find alternative energies like solar, wind and biofuels. We absolutely should. And we should conserve our resources, reuse our resources as much as possible. We should work to preserve our earth, definitely.

But, when did Al Gore become a scientist? He makes one movie and somehow unites the world? I'm sure you've heard about how, until very recently, he used enough electricity in his home to light up a small state. And how he's heavily invested in the renewable energy companies he encourages other people to invest in. Do you think it's completely altruistic? He made money on 'An Inconvenient Truth', lots of money. And an award. Suddenly he's worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize? You get a peace prize for bringing about peace in the world, not for making a box office smash. I don't understand that.

And now there's knee jerk legislation everywhere to save the world, instead of educated discussion and evaluation. Suddenly there are no more light bulbs. (Do you know you know that it takes Mercury vapors to make CFLs and now what are we going to do with the more Mercury tossed into our landfills. Is that really a better, safer alternative? http://eureferendum.blogspot.com/2007/03/light-bulbs-and-eco-fascism.html)

Anyway. If you really care about the environment, make the changes that you can, then push a little more. If you want to support the claim that man is responsible for climate change; fine. Show me the money, don't just believe the hype.

Mad Ravings of a Lunatic

I believe that the Mayan calendar is correct and there will be an end of days in 2012. I honestly believe that I had better be back in New Mexico by then and very far away from a dangerous, earthquake and riot prone area like Los Angeles. If necessary, I will live on my mother-in-laws farm. I am totally serious.

I just read a blurb in this month's Wired Magazine that brought my attention to The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (or NOAA) prediction by Mausumi Dikpati that the next sunspot cycle, which "will be 30% to 50% stronger than the previous one," will hit it's Solar Max in 2012. This is based on the well known 11 year sunspot cycle, discovered in 1843. This Solar Max can interfere or disable cell phone networks, satellites, military devices, GPS systems, power grids and anything dependent on these types of utilities. What better way to initiate chaos and end the final sun of the Mayan calendar?

For those of you unfamiliar with the whole Mayan calendar, it is somewhat complicated but it has three different calendars that repeat in different cycles. The Long Count repeats every 5000 years but the last cycle ends on December 21, 2012. See, see the connection with the sunspots? That date also is very close to the Winter Solstice Sun crossing the point of the Galactic Equator (the center of the Milky Way) and the Ecliptic (path of the Sun.) There are lots of guesses but nobody really knows what's supposed to happen on that day. The Mayans said it was the end of the era but what does that mean? Some people believe the increased sun spot activity will cause the magnetic field around the earth to shift, causing unfathomable consequences. Some believe that will open up a passageway through the Milky Way to another galaxy or world. Some believe it might be an appropriate time for Jesus to stop by. Who knows. All I do know is that the universe is a mysterious place.

Out of Body Experience

The chili was amazing by the way.

I think I'm sad today. Somedays, when I'm tired, it's hard to tell if I'm sad or just tired but I think I'm sad too. I've been working hard this week on 'putting myself out there' booking shows, working on promotional materials, mailing out lots of emails, etc. When I work on that a lot, I start to feel a strange lost feeling. And it almost feels like I've put myself out there so much that I don't have any more of me left. It's a strange, out of body experience. But I end up feeling lost and tired. I feel like I'm grasping at smoke, trying to collect it all back to me. Usually, after a day or so of this, I start to feel depressed. So I'm trying really hard to pull back again and collect me. I've been doing busy work like updating my website. I'm adding the lyrics now for every song; coding it is mindless but I think that might be what I need. But even that probably isn't enough. I really am an introvert by nature and I think it freaks me out to lose so much energy 'out there.' I'll probably spend the weekend watching movies, in the theater or at home or both. I'll ignore everything I have to do and recharge with other people's energy. By Monday, normally I'd be pretty down. But as I'm becoming more aware of this, maybe I'll be able to call me back in time instead of wandering back through darkness slowly. Maybe I just need more sleep again.

Gray

Here's some honesty for you. I'm stubborn, OCD and I have gray hairs. Lots of them now. I have passed the point of being able to pull out one here or there. They are taking over. So I decided to dye my hair last night.

I've dyed my hair before to get cool highlights or add some red, pink or purple. But that was because I felt like it, not because I felt I had to to hide something. I've been fighting it for awhile (stubborn.) Mostly because I don't feel old at all. And people older than I am on tv don't have gray hair, right? So how can I?

You know, I make fun of my husband all the time because he allows himself to easily fall into that suspension of disbelief. I say, 'You do know it's just a tv show, right?' And yet I'll easily believe that people look that good in real life with no help. No hair dye, no team of hair stylists, make up artists, clothing stylists, plastic surgery or just great set lighting.

So with them having all of that help, why am I so resistant to doing it? Again, because I'm stubborn. Because I don't want to believe that I'm ever going to need to do this. Sigh.

So instead of buying an all over dye at the store (I'm in no position to go to a salon right now and spend $180 on highlights) I'm determined to only dye the gray hairs. I like the color of my hair right now and I don't want to mess with it (stubborn again.) My brilliant plan is to buy a root touch up kit and only touch up the grays. I spend over an hour, hunting through my hair for strands of gray hair (here's the OCD part.) And I keep finding more! What I think will be maybe 10 stands turns into far far more. And, how do you color only one strand without coloring the rest? I use the technique my hairdresser used where you put the dye on the hair and wrap it in tin foil so it won't touch the rest of your hair. But I'm wrapping up single strands of hair. And it's on my head so I can't even see if I'm getting it all.

Needless to say, this morning, I still have gray hairs. I missed a bunch. Sure it looks better... I'm happy with the color I chose because it doesn't stand out. But really, would one strand in the wrong color stand out. I have some strands where near the root it's still gray and then further down it's brown. So I guess I really do need a root kit now. I can't even say I still have my pride. Sigh.

Air Trouble

I may be the only person who thinks the recent airline cancellations are just a cover. But I've been called crazy before and I'm okay with it. Yes, I'm into government conspiracies and cover-ups. My government wouldn't be doing it's job if it didn't. Aliens did crash land in Roswell. There was no magic bullet. Elvis is still alive. You know, I am new at this blogging thing but maybe I'll look around and find some other blogs that are also into this craziness and link them. Yes, that will be a new project to add to my lists.

Anyway, here is my theory. I think that the government has some information about a terrorist threat to a plane and this 'safety check' is their way of grounding flights. This way they can search the planes for whatever the real threat is or, just keep the terrorists out of the air and mess up their plan. Either way, they stop the threat without panicking everyone.

I only have one thing to back up my crazy idea- the airline's response to this. This grounding has been voluntary. Nobody at the FAA said they had to ground these flights in order to comply with this safety issue. These are new regulations that were established two years ago but there hasn't been any push by the FAA to enforce the regulations, only participate in inspections. Would the airlines willingly ground flights and lose millions of dollars? The only other possible reason is the suggestion that American Airlines will declare bankruptcy and ask for a government bailout. While I believe that an airline might have that has a plan, I don't think that the 6 airlines who have grounded flights (American, Midwest, Southwest, Alaska, Delta & United) could all declare bankruptcy at once and expect to all get bailed out. And, the airlines are not doing that much finger pointing over this. They are quietly canceling flights and trying to appease customers as much as possible. When was the last time an airline bent over backwards to accommodate you when I flight was canceled?

It's a cover up. I'm sure of it. They are checking their planes but it's based on a tip from someone, somewhere. Luckily I don't have to fly anywhere anytime soon. I'm very sorry if you do. Hopefully you won't be inconvenienced too much by this. But be grateful that, for a change, they are trying to save lives instead of save money. Do I sound like a lunatic yet?

Gold stars and B+

Let me say again that Universal Bar and Grill has the coolest vibe! I played there again last night. I was exhausted (yes and I still am) and feeling pretty burnt out as I got ready and drove over to the set. And yet, that place made me feel so good!

There was apparently a showcase playing before the showcase that I was in and the place was packed. It was so nice of Sheena to book me to play after the showcase, a really cool honor actually. I had the chance to play to a whole new group of people and possible who-knows-who were there for the first showcase.

It was so weird. I felt happy and excited in a mellow way to be playing. I had some great friends show up (thank you!) for the show. That was perfect right there. If they had been the only ones I played for then I'd have been fine. But then a packed house as well. Normally stuff like this makes me nervous. Nervous in a bad way. Maybe it was because I was tired that I didn't freak out. But I really don't think that was it. It was a calm. And twice I felt a panic start up but I thought, look, just do what you do and whoever is meant to hear will hear and whoever will be moved will be moved. Who was that talking in my brain? That's not really like me. It was nearly an out of body experience it was so strange.

But my set was really good. Here's part of my after set obsession checklist:
Voice pitch- good/bad?
Lyrics- did you remember all the words?
Guitar- in tune and correct chords, no technical difficulties
Patter- did you remember to say your name(seriously)/website/cds for sale/didn't say anything too ridiculous?
Grace- did you fall, trip, knock over anything, otherwise embarrass yourself

Yes, I seriously go through those things after shows. I've never written a checklist for it before. Amazing yes since I love lists. I've never really thought about it before but I guess it's like grading myself afterwards. I can be pretty hard on myself about any and all of those categories. I can be extremely depressed after sets if I'm not, I guess I'd say in the B+ to A range in any of those. Wow. Seriously, I know I evaluate shows very carefully but yeah, I guess I'm sort of giving myself grades. I'm so weird. Sure I should look at my performance to better my skills but come on, grades? That's just sick. I'm so gold star.

Anyway, last night went well. Probably because I was in such a good place (or at least I was before I started looking at this too closely). Gold stars for pitch & lyrics. Slight frowny faces (B+) for guitar, patter & grace (I did knock into the microphone once with my head.) But really, the vibe was so good in there and the other musicians were so very nice and supportive I don't think the slight frowny faces mattered. It was just fun to be there. Thanks again to those of you who came out. :)

Ready, Set, Sing

This morning I'm working on my set list. I have a show coming up on Sunday that I'm pretty excited about. I usually try to write my set lists a couple of days ahead of time. Theoretically then I can practice the set in order and see what songs don't work well next to each other. It's a good theory.

Some people don't make set lists, they just play whatever they feel like when it comes up. That makes me nervous. I suddenly can't remember any of my songs. I stand there after playing two and think, gosh, I don't think I have any others. I say this even though I have 4 CDs of recorded songs and plenty more that I've never recorded. And yet I get this deer-in-headlights reaction in my brain.

So I make set lists. Of course, this does feed into my insane desire to make lists in general. I just have a good excuse to write this one. And, of course I go compulsive on it.

I begin by looking up all of my recent set lists and cutting and pasting them all to one page. Then I number out on a new list how many songs I might fit into the set. Then I start pasting songs into the new list.

Now the juggling begins. I usually find some way to code the list, either with symbols (* - #) or colors. Songs from the 'Without Your Breath' CD, songs from the 'Super Ordinary Girl' CD, older songs than those, brand new songs and covers. I start to shuffle to make sure that I'm not playing too many from any category in a row; usually I keep it at three at the most. After that version, I go back through the list and make sure that I don't have two songs that are in the same key together or two songs that start similarly or have similar structure or too many slow songs together. Similar ideas can always stay together. How could I possibly have a set list keeping the love songs separated. It couldn't happen.

It's probably a whole lot more work than it needs to be. I should just go with the flow. Most people probably don't care what order the songs come in. But I want it to be perfect. I guess that's pretty crazy.

And yes, I realize that I could use the same list over and over again. I do for long periods of time. But new songs are written and other songs come in and out of 'favorite' status all the time. Do you wear the same outfit every Monday just because it's Monday? No, you mix it up with your mood. :)

I'd write more about what must seem like an incredibly boring process but I have a set list to finish.