Out of Body Experience

The chili was amazing by the way.

I think I'm sad today. Somedays, when I'm tired, it's hard to tell if I'm sad or just tired but I think I'm sad too. I've been working hard this week on 'putting myself out there' booking shows, working on promotional materials, mailing out lots of emails, etc. When I work on that a lot, I start to feel a strange lost feeling. And it almost feels like I've put myself out there so much that I don't have any more of me left. It's a strange, out of body experience. But I end up feeling lost and tired. I feel like I'm grasping at smoke, trying to collect it all back to me. Usually, after a day or so of this, I start to feel depressed. So I'm trying really hard to pull back again and collect me. I've been doing busy work like updating my website. I'm adding the lyrics now for every song; coding it is mindless but I think that might be what I need. But even that probably isn't enough. I really am an introvert by nature and I think it freaks me out to lose so much energy 'out there.' I'll probably spend the weekend watching movies, in the theater or at home or both. I'll ignore everything I have to do and recharge with other people's energy. By Monday, normally I'd be pretty down. But as I'm becoming more aware of this, maybe I'll be able to call me back in time instead of wandering back through darkness slowly. Maybe I just need more sleep again.

Balance

I was in an email discussion with a friend of mine this morning and she said something about things needing to be a balance. It's funny because I was just thinking this morning that I need to work on balance. In fact, this morning I decided that learning balance is probably my life lesson. Okay, it's one of many including, just a few mind you, letting go of control of people or life, letting go of guilt, forgiving myself and other people, trusting God...there are plenty. But this morning, the balance seemed important. I ended up writing this to my friend and it stuck out to me. "I am an all or nothing person and I need to learn to live with grays." It struck me because I just spent the other night covering my grays and therefore I should learn to live with my grays. Yes, yes I should. But the repetition of the word gray, the way it stood out to me, that seemed especially important like a word I should look at more.

I AM an all-or-nothing person. Also a if-you're-not-for-me-you're-against-me person. I need to be completely successful or I am a complete failure. There's no room for error or growth or maybes or learning. I'm the first to admit this is a downer way of looking at things. Because no, I'm not perfect. And since nothing less than perfect counts, then I am in a state of constant imperfection. I am constantly losing; failing. It sucks. There is no gray. There is no - well at least you tried. As a wise alien once said "There is do or do not, there is no try."

I could look at things on the half full side. I am constantly learning, growing, striving, becoming better. But somehow all the days of getting there don't count to the being there. Yes, yes, journey, not the destination. I know, I know. But just because I know doesn't mean I know.

I was thinking about balance a lot this morning. I've decided that it's is my lesson on this earth is to learn balance. My mother taught me how to be all mom all the time. My dad taught me how to be all working all the time. I need to learn and pass along to my kids, how to have balance. So I need to learn how to strike a balance in my life. I need to feel comfortable being part this and part that. I need to put it on and sit with it until it feels right. Instead of saying 'I don't get balance' I need to be in the gray 'I'm learning how to have balance' and feel there is success in the learning. But it's certainly not going to happen overnight. That's why I said it was a lesson for this lifetime. So that I have plenty of time before I get a failing grade.

Gray

Here's some honesty for you. I'm stubborn, OCD and I have gray hairs. Lots of them now. I have passed the point of being able to pull out one here or there. They are taking over. So I decided to dye my hair last night.

I've dyed my hair before to get cool highlights or add some red, pink or purple. But that was because I felt like it, not because I felt I had to to hide something. I've been fighting it for awhile (stubborn.) Mostly because I don't feel old at all. And people older than I am on tv don't have gray hair, right? So how can I?

You know, I make fun of my husband all the time because he allows himself to easily fall into that suspension of disbelief. I say, 'You do know it's just a tv show, right?' And yet I'll easily believe that people look that good in real life with no help. No hair dye, no team of hair stylists, make up artists, clothing stylists, plastic surgery or just great set lighting.

So with them having all of that help, why am I so resistant to doing it? Again, because I'm stubborn. Because I don't want to believe that I'm ever going to need to do this. Sigh.

So instead of buying an all over dye at the store (I'm in no position to go to a salon right now and spend $180 on highlights) I'm determined to only dye the gray hairs. I like the color of my hair right now and I don't want to mess with it (stubborn again.) My brilliant plan is to buy a root touch up kit and only touch up the grays. I spend over an hour, hunting through my hair for strands of gray hair (here's the OCD part.) And I keep finding more! What I think will be maybe 10 stands turns into far far more. And, how do you color only one strand without coloring the rest? I use the technique my hairdresser used where you put the dye on the hair and wrap it in tin foil so it won't touch the rest of your hair. But I'm wrapping up single strands of hair. And it's on my head so I can't even see if I'm getting it all.

Needless to say, this morning, I still have gray hairs. I missed a bunch. Sure it looks better... I'm happy with the color I chose because it doesn't stand out. But really, would one strand in the wrong color stand out. I have some strands where near the root it's still gray and then further down it's brown. So I guess I really do need a root kit now. I can't even say I still have my pride. Sigh.

Gold stars and B+

Let me say again that Universal Bar and Grill has the coolest vibe! I played there again last night. I was exhausted (yes and I still am) and feeling pretty burnt out as I got ready and drove over to the set. And yet, that place made me feel so good!

There was apparently a showcase playing before the showcase that I was in and the place was packed. It was so nice of Sheena to book me to play after the showcase, a really cool honor actually. I had the chance to play to a whole new group of people and possible who-knows-who were there for the first showcase.

It was so weird. I felt happy and excited in a mellow way to be playing. I had some great friends show up (thank you!) for the show. That was perfect right there. If they had been the only ones I played for then I'd have been fine. But then a packed house as well. Normally stuff like this makes me nervous. Nervous in a bad way. Maybe it was because I was tired that I didn't freak out. But I really don't think that was it. It was a calm. And twice I felt a panic start up but I thought, look, just do what you do and whoever is meant to hear will hear and whoever will be moved will be moved. Who was that talking in my brain? That's not really like me. It was nearly an out of body experience it was so strange.

But my set was really good. Here's part of my after set obsession checklist:
Voice pitch- good/bad?
Lyrics- did you remember all the words?
Guitar- in tune and correct chords, no technical difficulties
Patter- did you remember to say your name(seriously)/website/cds for sale/didn't say anything too ridiculous?
Grace- did you fall, trip, knock over anything, otherwise embarrass yourself

Yes, I seriously go through those things after shows. I've never written a checklist for it before. Amazing yes since I love lists. I've never really thought about it before but I guess it's like grading myself afterwards. I can be pretty hard on myself about any and all of those categories. I can be extremely depressed after sets if I'm not, I guess I'd say in the B+ to A range in any of those. Wow. Seriously, I know I evaluate shows very carefully but yeah, I guess I'm sort of giving myself grades. I'm so weird. Sure I should look at my performance to better my skills but come on, grades? That's just sick. I'm so gold star.

Anyway, last night went well. Probably because I was in such a good place (or at least I was before I started looking at this too closely). Gold stars for pitch & lyrics. Slight frowny faces (B+) for guitar, patter & grace (I did knock into the microphone once with my head.) But really, the vibe was so good in there and the other musicians were so very nice and supportive I don't think the slight frowny faces mattered. It was just fun to be there. Thanks again to those of you who came out. :)

Last minute

So. Tired. Fading. Fast. I stayed up late working on my taxes. Yes, they should have been done weeks ago. They're not. They're still not. And instead of being a good girl and finishing them tonight, I will be out playing a gig tonight.

It's kind of a last minute set. I feel like such a jerk when I send out emails for last minute shows. No, I did not just remember about it and oops, send it out. Yes I know you're busy and don't go to things last minute. Well, even if I'm not busy, I'm not much of a last minute person. I have plans. Even if the plan I've been counting on all day is to go home, eat dinner, watch the Simpsons and go to bed, I get really thrown off if the plan changes. As if I'm not capable of altering my plans. Heck, a telemarketer calls and the night can turn into a disaster. And if dinner takes 15 minutes longer than I thought it would, the entire night is now thrown into chaos. I guess I need time to acclimate to a new plan.

I think I get this from my parents. Once we went to a movie and when we got to the ticket window, it turned out the movie would start nearly a half hour later than we expected. My parents seemed stunned at the news and said, okay, never mind and we got out of line. We started walking back to the car. Let me be clear, the movie had not started yet. We were now very early for the movie. We had extra time to get popcorn or hang out. We didn't have to be anywhere after the movie either so it's not like we were on a time crunch. Obviously, the change in time changed our plans so much that it disturbed them. I volunteered, 'Couldn't we just stay and see the movie at this time? It's now only about 25 minutes away." We discussed it a bit, got back in line and ended up seeing the movie. It was so funny to see them thrown off; not able to make the change right there at the window but instead having to think about it awhile and adjust. They're just crazy. Thank goodness I don't do anything crazy.

Script Frenzy

Okay. I missed yesterday. Sorry. I think from now on, when I miss a day, I'm just going to pretend it never happened. The whole day has been wiped off of the face of the earth for me. Good because with the headache I had, I'd rather not remember it.

So, my good friend over at Alert the Pizza is doing this Script Frenzy thing. She did it last year and had a blast so I'm considering it myself. I kind of need to decide today too because it's starts today. Well I suppose I could get a late start but why handicap myself.

The idea is that you write a script in the month of April, 100 pages. No, this is not an April Fool's joke. There is no prize (notice that was the first thing I looked for) you just write it for the joy of writing it. That right there freaks me out a bit. I've lost the art of doing things for the fun of it. And the art doing things just to be able to say you've done it. Everything has to have purpose. So yes, I definitely should do this then.

I've pretty much decided I'm going to sign up. I'm just putting it off because I'm a little scared. Of what I have no idea. Is someone going to ground me or fail me out of script frenzy if I don't finish? Will I be black balled in LA for my lousy script once I put it on paper? "You'll never work in this town again!" I don't know. And I really am scared.

Maybe I've also lost touch with knowing the difference between scared and excited. Because I think I am excited, too. I think it's exciting to try something totally different. And a little nice to do something creative that doesn't have to do with music. So maybe I am excited to try this and oh, that might be it. Maybe I'm excited to try it and worried that it won't go well and I'll have been foolishly excited. That I never should have been excited to begin with. That feels right in a depressing way. I think I'm one of those people who doesn't start things because they're afraid they'll fail. But I already decided I'm doing this. So, I'm stuck with the being afraid. So maybe I was never excited at all. I sure hope my script isn't this messed up.

First Runner Up

I'm working on another song right now. I can't tell you the title of it because it's a secret. No, I'm kidding. I can't tell you the title because I don't know it yet. I have three verses and bridge and a chorus but I don't really like the chorus. It's missing something. Cinnamon perhaps. Whatever it is, it feels very not finished. There is some amazing, profound line that is floating somewhere in the collective unconscious and I am casting out net after net to find it. That is line I'm looking for and that line will be the title. Until then the whole song is lost.

When I get like this I have a process. It's very scientific. Usually I print out the song on a fresh sheet of paper and scribble random stuff in the margins. Words that are close to what I mean that lead to other words that are even further away from what I mean but maybe one will hold my hand and bring me to the right words. Mostly I just end up with lots of printings of the song with scribbles. And I keep going back to the same phrases that are close but not quite. The runner ups. And I think that in some cool stream of consciousness way I'll get to the right words but the runner ups start to get in the way.

I don't even know why I do it this way. In the end, if I find the magic words that I'm looking for, I don't usually have a pen in my hand. It's while I'm walking, driving or washing dishes, something when I'm not concentrating. But how can I possibly find this if I don't even start looking?

What worries me most is that sometimes I never find the profound line. Instead after months of looking, I decide that maybe I'm being too precious with the whole thing and just go with the second best. I rationalize that maybe I'm being too hard on myself and the line I've got is okay. Maybe if I play the song out as is, it will relax something in my brain and let the real line float over to me. Songs with those lines have been recorded and are on my CDs and they smack me in the face every time I come up on them. It doesn't feel good. Certainly it doesn't feel as good as the times when I do find the line and the world shifts and birds sing and lights shine down from the heavens. So I wait a really long time before I give up.