I was in an email discussion with a friend of mine this morning and she said something about things needing to be a balance. It's funny because I was just thinking this morning that I need to work on balance. In fact, this morning I decided that learning balance is probably my life lesson. Okay, it's one of many including, just a few mind you, letting go of control of people or life, letting go of guilt, forgiving myself and other people, trusting God...there are plenty. But this morning, the balance seemed important. I ended up writing this to my friend and it stuck out to me. "I am an all or nothing person and I need to learn to live with grays." It struck me because I just spent the other night covering my grays and therefore I should learn to live with my grays. Yes, yes I should. But the repetition of the word gray, the way it stood out to me, that seemed especially important like a word I should look at more.
I AM an all-or-nothing person. Also a if-you're-not-for-me-you're-against-me person. I need to be completely successful or I am a complete failure. There's no room for error or growth or maybes or learning. I'm the first to admit this is a downer way of looking at things. Because no, I'm not perfect. And since nothing less than perfect counts, then I am in a state of constant imperfection. I am constantly losing; failing. It sucks. There is no gray. There is no - well at least you tried. As a wise alien once said "There is do or do not, there is no try."
I could look at things on the half full side. I am constantly learning, growing, striving, becoming better. But somehow all the days of getting there don't count to the being there. Yes, yes, journey, not the destination. I know, I know. But just because I know doesn't mean I know.
I was thinking about balance a lot this morning. I've decided that it's is my lesson on this earth is to learn balance. My mother taught me how to be all mom all the time. My dad taught me how to be all working all the time. I need to learn and pass along to my kids, how to have balance. So I need to learn how to strike a balance in my life. I need to feel comfortable being part this and part that. I need to put it on and sit with it until it feels right. Instead of saying 'I don't get balance' I need to be in the gray 'I'm learning how to have balance' and feel there is success in the learning. But it's certainly not going to happen overnight. That's why I said it was a lesson for this lifetime. So that I have plenty of time before I get a failing grade.
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The Sonars watch this show sometimes, "It's a Big Big World" on PBS. Think, "Bear in the Big Blue House" set in a gigantic tree in the rainforest. Except, instead of a big bear, there's a big sloth, and a turtle, and a Quetzl bird, and a Map Turtle and a frog, and a pair of Marmosets, and a Howler Monkey. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, the show tries to teach lessons about being nice and paying attention to the world and about scientific discovery, blah blah blah. But one character, the enigmatic howler monkey, Oko, likes to teach the other creatures about Balance. Think, Miyagi, only furrier and living in a tree. He teaches a frog Tai Chi, and talks about finding a way to be at peace with your feelings and to laugh and cry and yell very loud when the sun goes down.
I struggle with balance too. I throw myself head first into many many things. Leap first, ask later, don't accept anything less than the best. Yeah, except, as you say, life is so much more about what's in the middle than about the extremes of perfection and bestness.
Kids, on the other hand, are really rather good at balance. There's some wobble sure, learning to walk, figuring out how to share, that whole bike thing. But kids tend to settle around an equilibrium point very quickly. Like a weeble. Not those crappy weebles that they make now, but those really good weebles that they made when we were little. The ones that wobbled but didn't fall down. They could tip way over, go careening across the floor, thunk your brother in the forehead, but always managed to find some kind of steady state. Some kind of center to return to.
Kids are like that too. Even in extreme circumstances, kids adapt, find a center, find a balance point, and keep going. The trick, I think, is to try to learn from that natural balancing tendency without crushing it. I practice it every day. Observe. Try to find balance. Don't crush the resilience.
Watch just enough cartoons. Not too much. Nothing weird. Eat good stuff. Sometimes sweet. Sometimes fatty. Not too much. Ramble to your friends. Not so much that they think you're crazy. Just enough to know you care. ;)
Balance.
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