Thank You, Thank you Very Much

Yes. I've been slacking a lot on my blog. It makes me feel awful. I'm sorry. If only the man weren't trying to keep me down by giving me actual work at my job! What do they expect from me? I might have to quit if this keeps up. I'm only half kidding.

I've had trouble deciding what to write. Here's something I've wanted to talk about for a week now but don't have that much to say, just:

Ironman rocks! Go see it ten times!

Phew. Got that out of me finally.

So this weekend I got a compliment and I don't think I handled it well. I rarely do.

I often sing this one part at mass and most of the time it goes okay. I hedge that partially because I've blown the words before (Yes, I have messed up this part before. I've sung it tons of times but if I don't have the words right in front of me a lose my place.) and partially because I'm superstitious. (Ha! There's a funny tangent. Of course I'm superstitious because I believe in God. I mean really, isn't belief in God technically superstition. There is no physical proof, only faith, and God is supernatural...anyway, not my point.)

But I think I'm asked to sing it because I do a fairly good job of it. And someone complimented me on how I did recently. They were touched and cried when they heard it and teared up as they told me again. And I, babbled on like an idiot. I did start out with a 'Thank you.' I at least got that part right. But I can't just leave it at that. I want to acknowledge that how they are being effected by the performance. I want to convey that I'm grateful that they not only were so effected but that they're willing to share that with me. And I somehow want to explain to them that it's not me anyway while not negating everything that they're telling me.

I launch into a fumbling explanation of how, gosh, I start to fumble again even trying to write it here. It's not me! It's not me. I've messed up so many times in mass and I would get so upset about it. I felt I was ruining people's experience because I sang the wrong words or came in at the wrong time. I've been praying and praying to give myself over and let God take care of it and trust that he and the Holy Spirit will put the right words in my mouth and the right notes for the right length at the right time. I pray that I will be able to convey the meaning of the words I'm singing. That somehow the way I sing them will make the words even more alive and help them to reach people and resonate with them and deepen their relationship with God. I pray that I can let my mind get out of the way and not be nervous and just BE these words. Just be them completely and let those words live on their own without me.

And now that I think I've gotten a little better at standing back and letting that happen, it starts to go better, the performance of the songs go better. I'm becoming comfortable enough that I'm in the moment before and as it happens. It's a weird space that I'm rarely in, this weird time shift where everything slows down and I'm in it and aware of everything. And right in that moment I've run to the edge of huge mountain and almost run right over. A part of my pride starts to sneak up. I start to think, in the moment, 'this is going alright. This is okay.' And then I have to spin my arms in forward circles to balance myself and keep from falling over the edge. And I start to pray really fast in that moment that I stay in the words. I pray fast little apologies to God for feeling myself over the words and hope, hope, hope that my hubris won't cause me to mess up. That I won't be punished for losing him in me. (as I have done before, pride before the fall often in the cases where I mess up)

So the only reason that I can say that I performed it well at all is because I'm somehow not doing it, not in control of it. Because somewhere I'm giving up. So how do I tell all of this to someone. How do I explain it's not me when they are complimenting me. I'd be a jerk to say, yeah, thanks but I don't deserve it -it's almost like telling them that what they said didn't matter. And to go into this rambling explanation every time would be weird too. So I babbled for awhile and I'm sure I didn't make any sense but hopefully I said thank you enough times.

I'm so going to blow it next week. For putting all of this on paper. I'm so going to blow it.